In the midst of exam and OSCE practice I’ve been doing so many crappy examinations on so many of my friends and family who have begrudgingly agreed to help me and I realised; I rarely take a good look at myself. Maybe it’s time for a self-examination
Do NOT make that sentence weird.
This site is PG13 thank you very much.
Maybe.
I actually haven’t checked.
Can I swear? I’ve been swearing in all my posts haven’t I?
Anyway. I digress – whoever’s taking note of this examination, please take down that the patient is easily distractible.
A self-examination was in order.
*deep breath*
Here goes:
General Inspection:
- Patient appears anxious, unkempt, in pain (unsure as to whether physical or mental)
- Stains on clothes ?tea ?urine ?other bodily fluids… I am on psych…who knows
- Surrounded by learning aids – flash cards, library books, mnemonics scribbled on hospital notepaper, you name it. These aids are mostly placebos – the student will inevitably leave it too late to effectively use any of the resources they spent their precious cash on
Placebo papers: notes you took down to study later but never will. Nor will you throw them – the fear of tossing information that could help you pass is too strong
Vital signs:
- Tachycardic and tachypnoeic since the word examination was mentioned
- Convinced otherwise.
Hands:
- Stink of chlorhexidine
- Nails bitten to stubs
- Gaping hole where another student attempted a cannula in a foolish ‘tit for tat’ scenario
- Beware the student who suggests this first
Face/head:
- Hair unkempt, greasy. THAT’S where my pen went!
- Eyes dead inside. Also twitching
- Loss of outer third of eyebrows HOLY CRAP I’M HYPOTHYROID
- Or I’ve been pulling at them when stressed…. Definitely the thyroid thing
Neck:
- Shoulders asymmetrical – on palpation knots are felt that even the most seasoned sailor couldn’t unravel
- Singular, mildly enlarged lymph node – student has been obsessing over this: assumed high likelihood of cancer
Chest:
- Hunched over – fitted perfectly to desk
- Heart strain from excessive caffeine intake
You know it’s nearing exam time when caffeine starts to have zero effect
Abdomen:
- Liver struggling to recuperate since the last AXP. Won’t know what hit it come mid-November
- On auscultation the bowels can be heard softly crying ‘please no more mi goreng’….strange
Legs:
- On inspection feet look tired
- Is that possible? If so they do
- Blisters from uncomfortable placement shoes
Mental state:
- Patient laughs (and cries) at inappropriate times
- Confirmed imposter syndrome
- Entertains bizarre delusions of a better work-life balance in future
Impression:
- Major hypochondriac
- Severely sleep deprived
- Diet lacking in most major food groups
- Really needs to go outside
Diagnosis:
- Average medical student circa late October
Eva Matthews Staindl
Year 4 med student